People think I'm strong but really, underneath this shell lies two very different personalities. Ever wondered why you could never figure me out? That's because you're not seeing the two personalities as being separate from each other. One of them is tough, bitter, disillusioned, swears, and doesn't want anything to do with insufferable bloody idiots; The other one is innocent, forever hopeful, idealistic, loves fairytales and looks forward to finding the perfect man. Both of them know that the perfect man is: 1) NOT an idiot. 2) Enjoys and appreciates their sense of humour. 3) Can handle her mood swings. 4) Able to keep up with her or, better yet, be one step ahead of her sometimes.

Ben_Romans Kellie Bao_Ling Agnes Pei_Shi Joakim Jayne Zine Lee_Peng Spelling June Xi_Xi Jessica Min_Shen Lippy Jun_Yin

This is a poem I found on my friend Jayne's blog. It says all that I want to express
but am unable to. Although I know he will never read my blog again, I just hope that he will see this someday and, when he does, hopefully he will understand that this is meant for his eyes and only his.

Words alone could not express
The way I feel for you
All the pages in every book
Would simply overflow
And never even begin to define
What's deep within my heart
the only wish and hope I bear
Is that when you and I are near
And you look into my eyes
The meaning will be written there
For you alone to read
That someday soon you understand
The meaning of my tears
Defined for you alone
And recognized by no one else
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I lash out because I hurt
I hurt because I care
I care because I have no choice
And in doing so I break all the rules
That I have set for myself
But rules are meant to be broken
Now, whether meant to be or not
I must follow the path
To heal the hurt
One way or another
Fill my heart
Or set it free

You sounded confused when I said those things that only barely indicated the hurt, disappointment and bitterness I was feeling inside, you acted like you had no idea what I was talking about. I don't know if you were pretending to be confused or if you really had no idea what I was trying to let you know but I think it's time to say this: I knew, deep in my heart, that we were never meant to be. It doesn't matter whether it was your friend who made me realise the futileness of my feelings or it was me who knew all along, this is the truth and I have to face it because it's better than lies and illusions, no matter how attractive it may seem to run away from reality and be submerged in impossible dreams. I know that now, even if I didn't know it two years ago or even just three months ago. I learned that the hard way.